yeah, so that's how i've felt lately.
It's true, things haven't exactly gone my way the past few weeks, but im so happy. Life is going well, and i love it. Even when things go wrong, there is has been at least one thing in my life that has kept me laughing, and i'm really thankful for that.  I'm praying it doesnt let me down.

awww, Emily's a G33K
  wudup AP Calculus.

mood: amused

so the only thing i have to say right now is that i'm scared growing up
thats pretty much the extent of it.
i got into colleges, and i'm psyched, and i can't wait to get the hell out of here.
but i dont want to lose who i am. 
there's a lot about me that's changed over the past year or so,
and it kind of scares me. 
i don't know if i like it.
people tell me that there are things i need to get over,
and that there are things i'm going to eventually have to deal with
so i might as well deal with them now.
but i don't know if i agree with that.
i'm 17
but i'm only 17.
i still want to be a kid. 
i dont know.
im confused.




oh and PS: i'm watching a movie right now called Mad Max and it's the most ridiculous late 70s movie ever....but it's pretty awesome...yay super young Mel Gibson!

life's okay and all, 
but i dunno
i kind of just want to cry..

why am i so mean?
i think i can walk all over anyone and still have them treat me as well as i want them to. 
well guess what, emily...it doesnt work like that. and you're gunna have to pay for it. 
.....maybe not today,
.....maybe not even soon.
but some day i will. 


i want to change. its so hard though, once you have a persona, and people expect you to act a certain way.
even if i try to be nice ppl are going to expect me to be mean.
fuck.
i never ever wanted to be a mean person. 
i never ever wanted to be selfish.
i never ever wanted to use people.

and i think i know when it all happened.

i think i'll pray to God and ask him to put be back into sophomore year.

okay guys, i dont know how many of you were planning to go to homecoming. but if you are and you're a senior (or if you're going with a senior, whatever) then Julianne and I had a fab. idea......80s theme?? yep, we're wearing horrible dresses, and we want to get a lot of ppl in on the idea. it'll be fun. we can all go together and its our senior year, so no one's gunna care. just get a wicked tacky dress (or suit if you're a guy) or like, even a halloween costume or something.  if anyone wants to do it, let me or julianne know. and you definitely all should. it'll be funnnn!!!!!!

do you ever get wicked bored of life? i mean, not bored in the sense that you have nothing to do, but bored in the sense that....there's nothing worth doing? That's kind of how i feel lately. There doesnt seem to be much worth caring about. Yeah, yeah- i'm sure there is stuff worth caring about.....i just dont care enough about it to care at the moment. Does that make sense? Hm, i didn't think so either. Well, maybe i could go dodge traffic...or spread rumors about people i dont like...or try to go three days without eating anything. I dont know....just something to give my life a temporary high- a momentary purpose, something to keep me occupied until i find the motivation to go back to filling my existence with nonsensical meaningless crap that will get me nowhere, accomplish nothing, and give me no hope of ever being anything more than just another member of a bland society who's simply going through the motions like the rest of 'em.


....or maybe i'll just go do some english homework.
Welcome back.

Alright, so this is depressing,
but,
Lately, i've been thinking a lot about the fact that time won't stop, and none of us can avoid the inevitable.
Presently, that inevitable is school starting, and September 2006 being quite possibly the busiest month of my life, as i have yet lived it.
But what about everything else?
So, Class '07...we're starting our last year of high school. And then we move on to whatever we do after high school........and then eventually you get old and die. Okay, blunt, i know...but seriously. That's basically how it works.
You do what you're supposed to do when you're little because your parents tell you its the right thing to do.
Then you grow up and you make a shitload of mistakes.
I, for one, continue to try to do the right thing, because its what my faith tells me. And ya know what?...that works for me. I'm cool with that.
So, then you get older, you make more mistakes, try to make more right choices that outweigh the mistakes, find your place in existence, and carry it out until you end up old.
Now you're old. Now you you don't have a choice between right and wrong. By now someone is not asking you whether you want chicken or steak, but they're bringing out to you whatever processed crap they just cooked up in a kitchen that's cooking the same meal for 130 other people who are also too confused to decide what they want to eat because the amnesia they have deteriorates their mind so that they don't even know what chicken or steak is, and all they know is that they have to go to the bathroom, but can't because they can't move without the assistance of a wheelchair or walker, and they're too embarassed to ask for help. So now you're debating whether or not to admit to having peed on your chair?! Is that all we end up with? I hope not.

Well, maybe you're lucky. Maybe you don't end up with amnesia. Shit, maybe you dont even live to be old. But whether you like it or not, whether you've come to terms with it or not, time is going to take you to the end of your life. This moment at which you are living right now is going to extend over (hopefully) decades to come, and you are going to have to make a lot of choices along the way. And it all adds up to how you have lived your life- what you have done with it, who you have become, what changes you've made, WHO YOU HAVE AFFECTED.

I'll be honest- im terrified.





Okay, so now that you've read my crazy entry....please don't worry. I don't need help. I don't take myself that seriously, so you don't have to either. But if you want to discuss the end of the world, I'd be more than interested :]

alright. i've given in. i'm going to post my schedule.


A Semantics Honors S1
A ComedyLit Honors S2
B English12 AP ALL
C Psychology AP ALL
DE2 Physics Honors ALL
F CalculusAB AP ALL
G French5 AP ALL



wow im never going to have time to leave my house next year :/ bring me food and love??? lol. oh well, im looking forward to new ppl in my classes and such. cool.

this is random but
im getting nervous for school already
and i miss mike.
and its just starting to hit me that ill be a weymouth high graduate instead of a montrose graduate.
that makes me really angry.
i hate weymouth high.
i dont hate my friends there
i just hate the school and the fact that i go there.
i miss montrose.
i want to repeat summer.

a picture may be worth a thousand words,
but sometimes,
not even a thousand pictures could capture the true essence of a moment


...like the way the rain felt today,
and the way we laughed,
water pouring down our faces.








man, was it a happy day, or what?

this summer has been very bizarre so far. its been cool and all, just weird. i dunno, i can't decide whether i really like having a ton of friends who live close enough to chill with, or if its too much of a distraction. dont get me wrong, i love the friends i have in weymouth and all, its just bad that im spending more time with friends than on doing the 18 billion other things i need to get done before september >_< im having panic attacks and im not even in school.....thats bad.
but yeah, so i vowed to give up boys for the summer........so much for that plan. nah, its cool tho. i have fun with mike and as long as i'm not ruining friendships or causing people to dislike either me or him, then i'm happy.
um what else? work sucks, need a second job...im getting fat, need to work out like woah...ive only read one book, need to read 3 more...fell out of a tree, need to heal...missing my monties like fuckin woah, need a fix...wedding is in three months, need to plan a lot...drivers ed, college apps, college interviews, parents, friends, life....bleh.
haha faaaack. i just vented in livejournal, yet again.
anyway, happy summer!

x0x,
~EM~

i'm really pretty sure i lost everything that was going good for me....and i lost it all pretty much in a matter of about a month or two.

everything has just taken a mad dash for the shithole, basically. get this...

work= new boss hates me, she sucks.
dance= recital in like, 5 days and i suck
school= i can't make myself care anymore...its too stressful
SAT II's= they're on saturday...nuff said
irish step= havent had time to care, therefore, have begun to suck
boys= um, i'm pretty good at ruining peoples lives???....and they suck, all of them.
family= according to them, i suck at being a daughter
health= i'm sick! and it SUCKS!
friends= i miss them horribly; seniors are gone, and i missed out on the most amazing trip to italy with the montrose girls. i want them back.

summary: it all sucks

i know that i really shouldnt be complaining...no one has died, God hasn't deserted me, and i still have a home. i'm just sick of highschool bullshit.


i need to go back where i belong. which is not at weymouth high, unfortunately. i wish i belonged there, but its just not happening. now, i dont want any of you reading this who have been my good friends and who have always been there for me to think that it has meant nothing to me. i'm just high-maintenance...i need more of you :[ . basically i'm lonely. cool....i dont think i've ever been lonely like this in my life.